A lot more of us are practicing self-love lately! There are so many different ways you can show love to yourself whether that is building time in your schedule to do what makes you happy or investing in things that make you happy. There is, however, one aspect of self-love that even the best of us struggle with…setting boundaries. A lot of us love the idea of saying ‘no’, but not necessarily the aftermath of what will happen if we do.  

Saying, ‘no’ is more so about saying ‘yes’ to yourself. Saying ‘yes’ to respecting our own limits and not overextending ourselves to maintain a positive experience for someone else. Here are a few tips that will help you say no to others while saying yes to yourself!  

The first tip I have for you is about emotional boundaries. Sometimes we can be in a funk for whatever reason. Most times our friends and family can see and sense when something is wrong, and genuinely want to help. But in order for help to be useful, you have to be in a place where you are ready to receive it. There can be times when you may not want to have certain conversations or talk about certain topics with others. It is ok to say that you don’t feel like speaking about something at that moment. Most times our family and friends may not realize that their care is maybe a little too overwhelming at times. You don’t need to snap at anyone, but let them know you would prefer not to speak about it at the moment, and you can or will reach out to them when you’re ready. You don’t need to offer any other explanation than that. You don’t have to say why you don’t want to talk about it, or when you will get back to them (if you ever do). This is a good way to start establishing boundaries that not only protect your emotional peace but also kindly let others know that they need to respect your decision.  

The next tip is about setting boundaries around your availability and or time. This part is somewhat 2-fold. You need to be intentional about the availability you give out to others, while also protecting time for yourself. One thing I think most of us have figured out is that just because you get off work at 5 pm does not mean you are available starting at 5. If I get off at 5, I tell people I will be available between 6:30-7 pm. That gives me enough time to get home, visit with my dog a little, and just unwind from work before jumping right into something else. Build in a cushion for yourself when you think about your availability. If you don’t like getting up before a certain time on the weekends, let people know what time you will be up and ready to visit. You don’t have to explain that you like to sleep in or that you have your own ritual you like on the weekends. Just make sure not to commit to anything during those times. Otherwise, what was supposed to be a fun outing becomes a chore that is no longer enjoyable. 

My last tip to you is about realizing when you need to take a step back from people without making things personal. The older we get, we have to be more intentional with the relationships we have if we want to maintain them. That goes for family, friends, significant others, everyone. A lot of us do not live with our family anymore and friends have lives and jobs of their own. That being said, everyone deserves a little bit of grace if they are going through a rough time, but relationships work both ways. It can be draining trying to maintain a connection for two people when you are the only one putting in the effort. Instead of draining yourself mentally and emotionally, let them know how you feel. There are ways to respectfully let people know that you feel they are not as present as they have been in the past. Now, this can go one of two ways. If they are going through a tough time themselves, and they communicate that to you, you have to believe them and not take their absence personally. Try to establish a common ground that will work for you while still respecting their boundaries as well. On the other hand, they may get defensive and or dismiss your concerns that you have presented to them. At that time, for your own mental and emotional health, it may be time for you to take a step back from that relationship. That is a call only you can make for yourself, but just remember that it takes two to maintain any relationship. This may be a sign for you to take a step back and not invest as much time as you used to, or maybe you choose to walk away from the situation altogether. Whatever works best for you, but you cannot make a relationship work if the other party is not willing to participate.  

Setting boundaries is one of the most stressful aspects of practicing self-love, but also one of the most beneficial things you can do for yourself. One of the definitions of self-love is not only treating yourself justly but actively choosing to put yourself first. It is hard to be the best version of yourself when you are mentally and emotionally drained. Learn when to say ‘no’ to others, but ‘yes’ to yourself. Protect your emotional and mental space, be intentional about your free time and availability, and make sure you are both valued and respected in your relationships. Choose you, because you deserve the best there is to offer.  

-S|20 

Links to other helpful content: 

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